Help! My significant other is deploying or being sent unaccompanied for a year and I'm afraid they are going to cheat

[00:00:00] Alison: What's up? What's up? Welcome back to the show. Today I saw this post on on Facebook in one of the military spouse support groups that I'm in. And I. It really got me thinking, and I thought, you know, as I'm sitting here thinking about how to respond to this person's post I thought, you know, maybe I should just do an episode on this and, and, and talk about, talk about this issue because I think that it is something that a lot of us experience, and again, Part of my goal with this show is to talk about the things that people don't necessarily wanna talk about.

[00:00:50] Alison: And I think this is one of those topics. So this is, and I went back to the post, or I went back to try and find the post, and now I can't find it. So I don't know if the person deleted it or what happened, but the basic gist of it was , it was a woman that was posting about her husband.

[00:01:06] Alison: Her husband had gotten orders to Korea. It was, it's an unaccompanied assignment, and he's leaving in like a month and a half. And they have a brand new baby, a four week old, and I can't remember if it was a two year old and a four year old, but another young child. And she was very concerned because she has been hearing a lot about cheating.

[00:01:31] Alison: When people go overseas or, and especially that are stationed unaccompanied in Korea, apparently. It's a, it's a big, it's a big thing that happens over there. And she has heard. That a lot of people, and I don't, again, I don't know where this information is coming from. I'm just gonna share with you what it was and then my 2 cents.

[00:01:52] Alison: A lot of people will separate while they're deployed or unaccompanied so that they can quote, unquote, feel free to do what they want, and then they come home and get back together. Okay. So there's a lot to unpack there. The first thing to unpack is that she posted this question or her, you know, what was going on anonymously because she didn't want any judgment from anybody.

[00:02:34] Alison: And that to me is so sad. I feel like when I see people posting in these spouse support groups and things like that, they're like, please don't judge. You know, this is what's going, please don't judge, please. And I'm just like, if they wouldn't say that, if they didn't get that previously or see that in other places.

[00:02:58] Alison: So I just want to put out a little public. Public service announcement and that is that everybody is in a different place and I would respond and am responding to this person's comment or question or situation very differently than I would have 15 years ago when I was a newer military spouse. But I still think that we need to treat each other with compassion and empathy and grace, because we are all just doing the best we can with what we got.

[00:03:46] Alison: You know what I'm saying? And how you would handle a situation. Might not be how somebody else handles the situation. A choice that you might make for your family might be a different choice that someone else makes for their family, and it's all a very personal thing. But at the end of the day, respect and empathy and caring for our fellow military spouses should always be first.

[00:04:12] Alison: Okay. So there's that. So then what I, what I would say, To someone who is very concerned with their spouse being either going on deployment or going unaccompanied for a year at a time, and that you're concerned with infidelity. I would say that you are. It's not out of the realm of possibility, right?

[00:04:45] Alison: Like it's not. Like, you're crazy because it happens. It happens, right? And, but, but the thing is, is that just because it happens in someone else's marriage doesn't mean that it's gonna happen in your marriage or your relationship. Okay? So my best advice, and this is something that is taken Michael and I a really long time.

[00:05:12] Alison: So we've been married for 21 years now. Yay us, and we still like each other. Yay us. That's a big deal. That's a big deal. Is, and this is something, like I said, I would've answered this question differently, you know, 15 years ago. Then I would answer it now because it's something that I've really struggled with and something that I've learned.

[00:05:32] Alison: And that is When, when, when we were newer in our marriage and I was younger, I remember having just horrible communication. And honestly, if you, if you sit back and you think about conversations that you've had with your significant other and issues that you might have with each other, arguments that you have gotten in, if you really take a step back and look at it, Like 95% of the time it's a communication issue, right?

[00:06:07] Alison: You had an expectation that this was gonna happen. Your significant other had an expectation that something else was gonna happen and somebody's needs weren't met, feelings get hurt, blah blah. Whereas if you would've communicated what your expectations were and they communicated what their expectations were, and we have a good.

[00:06:29] Alison: Conversation about that, you alleviate the whole thing. So I feel like I feel like communication is, is a huge contributing factor to fights. Okay. That being said, I think the, the best thing that you can do with your significant other and these feelings. Is to share them with your significant other.

[00:06:53] Alison: Okay. And I know, especially when you're younger and maybe you're newer to marriage and you are, you, you kind of second guess yourself a lot. Like, I don't wanna be needy, I don't wanna be like an overbearing spouse. And you know, I, all those things that we say to ourselves that we're, we're holding ourselves back.

[00:07:17] Alison: To protect or to keep up an image or whatever for our significant other, you gotta let that crap go. You gotta let that stuff go. Because here's the thing, I feel like relationships, you know, whether it, whether you're married or you're, it's just your significant other.

[00:07:35] Alison: You need to find someone that knows you're crazy and understands you're crazy. And still loves you anyway, right? You should be able to be 100% authentically you in your relationship with your significant other, right? You should be able to Tell them all the things that are bothering you and not feel like you're gonna get judged.

[00:08:04] Alison: So I really hope that everybody has a relationship like that and, and I know that they don't, but I really hope that you do and that you strive for that, because that's how it should be, right? We're all humans. We all make bad choices sometimes. We all have little idiosyncrasies about ourselves that. Make you uniquely you.

[00:08:27] Alison: And there's nothing wrong with that, right? It's just finding someone who understands that and loves you anyways. That's what it is, right? And then again, as you grow and as you mature, and as you grow in your relationship. You get better at talking through those kinds of things, you know? So I don't know.

[00:08:55] Alison: I'm sure that going into a deployment, if I was feeling insecure about about Michael cheating while he's gone or doing something like that, I'm not sure at the very beginning of our marriage, if I would've articulated that to him, honestly. I, 'cause 'cause I didn't, I wouldn't wanna, I, well, number one, I would think, I don't wanna put any ideas in his head.

[00:09:23] Alison: And then number two, I. Is I wouldn't wanna be, you know, 'cause then, well, is he gonna think that I'm being needy or I'm being super jealous or clingy or, you know, I don't, I don't want him to, I don't wanna, you know, come across as like overbearing or something like that. Right. And so maybe you don't have that conversation.

[00:09:42] Alison: But here's the thing, like I was saying just a second ago is you have gotta be. You, you've gotta be, you authentically and you need to share your concerns with your significant other. So it would be, you know, and it's not just, she wasn't just concerned about infidelity, is she's also worried that she's got a four week old baby and a two year old and he's gonna miss a year of both of their lives.

[00:10:13] Alison: That's heavy. That's really heavy. And to take that on. And not share that with your significant other. These are my concerns. I'm worried about you. Missing out on all of this stuff is not fair to you, number one. And number two, it closes that line of communication. Whereas if you can sit down with your significant other and say, look, I'm really scared.

[00:10:40] Alison: I'm really scared. I'm hearing all these horror stories, and I trust you and I love you. But I'm not gonna be there. You're gonna be in a different situation. And these are my concerns. I'm just, I'm worried about it. What do you think? And then you can have an open dialogue and he can, and then maybe you can come up with some sort of a way to 'cause, 'cause for a lot of people, You know, one of the, some, we haven't really done a lot on deployment because there's a lot of other people that talk about deployment.

[00:11:11] Alison: But, and, and again, like I was talking about, I think it was last week, I can't, I can't remember if things run in together. But I haven't, we haven't done, we do TDYs. We do TDYs all, so he's, he's on travel all the time now. But it's for like a week here and a week there and things like that. He's not gone on deployments anymore like he was at the beginning of our marriage.

[00:11:30] Alison: So I feel like I'm a little bit removed from it. So that's kind of why I haven't talked about it as much because it's not as prevalent. TDYs, yes, let's talk, but we haven't done a deployment in quite a while, so I feel like I'm a little bit removed from that. But what I do remember is that. And if you haven't heard this, here you go.

[00:11:48] Alison: There are emotional stages of deployment and when your significant other is getting ready to leave on deployment, you both tend to pull into yourself, right? You kind of shut down. You might find yourself arguing more often, not feeling connected and being like, holy crap, what's going on? Is our marriage over?

[00:12:09] Alison: Oh my God. No, it's not. It's very normal. And the reason that that happens is because we're trying to protect ourselves emotionally, right? We're we, we know we're gonna have this big separation, and if you can withdraw a little bit, you kind of, you're, you're almost like building a little wall around your heart to protect yourself because it's gonna be hard, right?

[00:12:35] Alison: And so that's what that is. There's nothing wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with your marriage. It's, that's, it's a natural process that we do. It's a coping mechanism, right. And and it can be scary when you're in it, right? But one of the things, so being aware of those emotional stages I think is, is really important.

[00:12:57] Alison: And then You need to have those conversations about things that you're concerned about. Right? So I'm really worried about you missing all of this time with our kids. Right. And, and I think that that is so sweet that she's like, he's gonna be missing all of this time with his kids and not thinking, holy crap, I am gonna be on my own with a newborn and a two year old.

[00:13:26] Alison: And he's gonna be gone. And your, your partner, your best friend is gonna be gone for a year. You're on your own. Like that is a lot of mental load to carry just in and of itself. And then you put on top of that, that you're hearing all these stories about people. People cheating on their significant other while they're gone and that people are going into open marriages while over the deployment season, so then they don't have to worry about it and you start to freak out rightfully so.

[00:13:56] Alison: Right. Okay. So, so you kind of got out like a, you, you got a big shit storm happening all at one time and it's, and it's a lot to navigate through, but we, you have to have those conversations, so you need to sit down with your significant other and be like, look, This is what I've been hearing. I've been hearing about all these things that people are doing this, they're having open relationships so that if you do wanna sleep with somebody else, it's technically okay.

[00:14:25] Alison: I, you know, and I, what, what do you think? And then you can come up with a way to make yourselves feel better. Right. Okay. Well, I, I understand what you're saying and You know, I don't know how the conversation would go. Everybody's gonna be different. Right. But what I would hope would happen is that you have opportunity to share your concerns, and you have an opportunity as a couple to figure out how you're gonna navigate through it.

[00:14:54] Alison: Right? Okay. Well, what can we do so that our boy or our kids, I don't know if they're boys or girls, so that our kids. Feel like they still have a connection to you. Maybe that's okay. Twice a week. I don't know what the schedule's gonna be. You know what the op tempo and stuff is. So this is just like a, you know, just throwing it out there.

[00:15:14] Alison: But you know, twice a week we're going to I. FaceTime at Bathtime or I, you know what I'm saying? I don't know. Come up with some kind of a plan so that you guys can stay connected in that way, right? For your kids. And there's a lot of stuff that you can do. The the reading programs, right, where you can read to your kids on video and then they can see it and.

[00:15:41] Alison: All of that stuff. And there's you know, the, the, the daddy dolls or the mommy dolls, the hug a hero ones where they have a picture of their person, of their, and, and when your kids are super young, I'm not really sure that that's, that's gonna fly for that stuff. But I. Just to have that constant reminder, you know, that daddy is still around, he's still here, or mommy is still around, still here.

[00:16:06] Alison: And then as far as the, the relationship goes, marriage wise I think that again, it's a conversation that you need to have with your significant other Look, I'm hearing these things and I, I'm really uncomfortable, I'm scared, I'm worried. I. I trust you, but I also know that we're gonna be put in this really unique situation and I don't know what to expect.

[00:16:32] Alison: And I know you don't really know what to expect, but I'm really worried about this. What can we do so that I feel more comfortable with you being over there and you feel comfortable with me being here? Like what, what can we, what can we do? And, and I think what that ends up looking like is it's just over communication, honestly.

[00:16:53] Alison: It's just over communication. Okay. I am gonna. And, and just keeping that top of mind. I'm gonna call as often as I can. I'm gonna text, I'm gonna share with you pictures throughout my day I'm gonna, , keep yourself and then, and then as like the person who is staying behind, don't put yourself in stupid situations.

[00:17:16] Alison: Do you know what I'm saying? So like, when Michael was deploying, He's gone and I'm by myself. We didn't have kids at the time I was working and I remember people being like, well, you're, you're not gonna go party. You're not gonna go whatever. And I'm okay. Like, honestly, I'm such a homebody, so that was never really my jam anyways.

[00:17:37] Alison: I'm not gonna do that. If I'm gonna go out, I'm gonna go out with some of the other girls from work, some of my friends from work, or if we're gonna all go out as like a big group, I'm gonna do that. If there's someone who I tend to, who I like, And, you know, there's like a little flirty kind of thing happening, but it's just, it's very innocent, but it's just, you know, I'm not gonna spend a lot of time outside of our job with that person because that's not setting me up for success.

[00:18:08] Alison: Right. And it's the same thing for your significant other, you just, you have to pay attention to the situations that you're putting yourself in. Think about if the roles were reversed, would you be comfortable with your significant other doing that? Right? Would you be comfortable with your significant other driving her coworker home, who was of the opposite sex?

[00:18:31] Alison: All the time. Would you be comfortable with that? Probably not. If you're not there all the time, you're probably not gonna be comfortable with that. You just have to be really mindful of, of what you're doing and situations that you're putting yourself in and set yourself up for success, right? So, ah, there's, gosh, there's so much to unpack there, but it, but again, the end of the day is communication.

[00:18:56] Alison: You've got to tell. Your significant other, how you're feeling. Okay. And you can't be worried about the coming across as jealous or overbearing, or you have got to be you and you have gotta share that stuff. That's not something you wanna carry on your own, and that's just gonna breed problems for you. If you can have conversations and let them know how you're feeling, then that's gonna.

[00:19:26] Alison: Change how they respond to you, right? So for example, Michael and I, I told you that he is gone all the time on travel. We're in a pretty ridiculous travel schedule this month. And he was gone for like four days and then he was literally home for 24 hours and then he is gone for seven days.

[00:19:47] Alison: And when he was gone for the first part of it, We, we just weren't talking very often at all, which is weird because he was in his time zone wasn't that much further away, far from, from ours. He was like an hour behind us or something. So I was like, I, but we just weren't talking as much. And I, so Michael's my best friend.

[00:20:10] Alison: He's my best friend. If anything happens, I wanna tell him about it. Right? The stupid stuff during the day. What Savannah said that was funny is we were driving to school, so and so, this thing happened here, or, oh, I, whatever, like he's my, he's my person and he's who I wanna talk to, and when he's gone and he's doing what he needs to do, I take on to myself, well, I don't wanna bother him, so I'm not gonna call, or I'm not gonna text.

[00:20:39] Alison: I'm just gonna wait. And then, and then we just, we sometimes get into situations where we just don't talk as much as we should, and I feel, I don't feel very close to him. So he comes home and it's like, Hey, you know, there's no, there's no intimacy. There's no, like, it just, it feels like it's just hard. So this last weekend, instead of just being like, I said to him, I don't feel very close to you.

[00:21:06] Alison: I feel like we didn't really talk at all this last week. And I just, you know, it's not good. And so he's like, yeah, I know. We, we really did a, a bad job of this last one. Let's try and do better this week. And so again, he's, he's been gone since Sunday. And we've talked to each other multiple times a day.

[00:21:23] Alison: And it's not long. Like he's like, Hey, I'm at lunch. I've got like 10 minutes. How's it going? Dah, dah, dah, dah. And then we talk it, you know? And so we've been very, very mindful to this, this la, this t d y than we're in right now to talk to each other more. And I feel so much better. Right? And I feel like 15 euros ago, me would've just been like, no.

[00:21:45] Alison: Well, he should understand that. He should know. That he should be calling me however many times a day. Or he, I shouldn't have to tell him, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You got, you got, mm-hmm.

[00:22:00] Alison: You gotta let that stuff go again over communicate and just be honest with how you're feeling. Right. And then, and it gets better, right? So, so I said to him, I'm like, I just don't feel very close to you. I feel like. A lot of stuff happens during our day and when I don't get to talk to you hardly at all.

[00:22:16] Alison: I just, I, you know, it's not good. And so we've been very committed this week to making sure that we're talking more and having those conversations, and I feel so much better. And so does he. So you just need to communication, man. It's all about, it's all about the communication. Okay. That was. That was a very, very tall soapbox that I was standing on.

[00:22:40] Alison: But again, I think that it is you know, it's, it's something that I see talked about a lot in the male spouse groups that I'm in is. My significant other's going away and I'm worried about cheating, and then my significant other's going away and I'm worried that my kids, you know, we're just gonna drift apart or, you know, all those things.

[00:23:04] Alison: And, and it's, and it's a scary situation to be in, and especially because it, for whatever reason, you tend to hear the horror stories more than you hear. About the people who are fine, right? And it's not always gonna be fine. If he's gone for a year, you're gonna fight, you're gonna get, you know, you're gonna get pissed at at them and stuff like that's gonna happen.

[00:23:24] Alison: But you just have to be really committed to talking about it and, and being, and that open communication is really, really important and being really honest with how you're feeling, right? Like, so you went out and did this thing and , I want you to not sit at home and pine away from me.

[00:23:44] Alison: But at the same time, it makes me uncomfortable when you do X, Y, and Z. And just articulating that is a big thing. Right? That's, that's important. So I think that that's it. That's it. You just need to be, you don't hide that stuff away how you're feeling, concerns that you have. You've gotta share that with your significant other so that you can work through it together and they're aware of your concerns.

[00:24:09] Alison: If they're not aware of your concerns, then they can't help mitigate them for you. Right. Okay. All right. That's it. I'll talk to you guys soon.