Real Talk: Parenting Military Kids Through Deployment and PCS with Ashlee from Woman and Warrior

[00:00:00] Alison: Today we have Ashley on the show. So Ashley is from, is it the, it's the, the, the woman and warrior. No, I am a warrior. 

[00:00:07] Ahlee: My, my handle is the woman and warrior. My business is just. The brand is just Woman and Warrior. Woman and Warrior. Okay, perfect. It's just IG is 

[00:00:16] Alison: the Woman and Warrior.

[00:00:18] Alison: Yes. Okay, perfect. Yes. I got you. 

[00:00:19] Ahlee: Long story behind all that, but I won't bore you today on it. 

[00:00:23] Alison: It's okay. Okay. So Ashley was on the show. We just looked it up because I couldn't remember. It was episode 92 back in November talking about her business. And we had an awesome conversation about personal development and I felt like you were like my best friend at the end of the job.

[00:00:39] Alison: You need to come back on the podcast. Like you want to hang out with me again. I know exactly. But anyway, so this is coming at the end. So this episode As we record it, it's going to come out on Monday. So but this is coming at the end of the month of the military child month. And so the focus of today's show, and I'm sure side tangents are going to happen because that's what happened last time, which is totally fine.

[00:01:09] Alison: That's where the, that's where all the golden nuggets are, right. Are in the little side quests. Side quest. Yeah. But we're going to be talking try to focus on parenting our kids through deployments and through PCSs. So, and again, like, as we were, we were chatting beforehand are my girls have, this is, I think this is their fifth move.

[00:01:34] Alison: So I feel like I can speak to that really well, but we really, we only do little TD wise, like Michael's gone for a week or two or what we haven't done a deployment since the girls have been been born a true deployment. So we've had extended TD wise to like, he's gone to schools for, you know, it was like three, six weeks, eight weeks, you know, we've done that kind of stuff with, with the, since the girls had been born, but.

[00:01:57] Alison: We haven't had a true deployment, so I thought that you would be a great resource for that. One, because you've been through deployments, you've been through PCS, we were just talking about you had a PC, one year you PCS'd three times in one year. Yeah, we lived in four 

[00:02:09] Ahlee: different states in one year. 

[00:02:11] Alison: That's been 

[00:02:12] Ahlee: straight 

[00:02:12] Alison: up bananas.

[00:02:13] Ahlee: Yeah, it was a little bananas. 

[00:02:15] Alison: Yeah. So we'll get into that. And then also you have a wide range of ages of children. And so I think it's going to be, I hope that it will be valuable to the listeners to have that kind of, you know, this is, I don't know. I'm just kind of thinking, I feel like, again, this is just a conversation, you know, we're not alone in this.

[00:02:34] Alison: This is, there's a lot of stuff that's really hard. And I think. For a lot of us, the parenting aspect is one of those really challenging parts. And I, I don't know if it's the, is it like the mama bear thing? That's like, I want to protect my kids. And like, I don't know what it is, but 

[00:02:52] Ahlee: well, like you want to, well, in a, in a, I guess.

[00:02:56] Ahlee: It's like we want to control the controllable, you know? And there's a whole lot I guess it's humbling, though, because in parenting in general, like, take the military life out of it, like, you really don't control anything, you know what I mean? Like, we actually can't control our kids. We can't control what happens to them.

[00:03:13] Ahlee: I know. Oh, we try so hard. I know. But why? They can't walk around in a bubble? Like, come on! I know. Yeah. I know, it is, but it is, it's, it's, it's definitely one of the big, besides probably, like, keeping, like, a healthy marriage intact, I feel like, for me, that's, like, definitely number two of, like, the hard. Is the parenting.

[00:03:33] Ahlee: Because it, it is a different dynamic in this life, big time. And I'm so happy that you asked me to come on the show and I'm, in my mind, even before we started chatting, I was like, you know, , none of, truly none of us are experts, , and I know I'm definitely not. No, no. I really, I, and I am envisioning this to , just go back and forth, like a dialogue even, you know, , both of us sharing.

[00:03:55] Ahlee: Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. Yes, like you've got a lot of PCSs under your belt. And yes, I do have a wide range of ages in my house. And for anybody that does not know, like, I have teens to toddlers. So I've got all of them. 

[00:04:12] Alison: Yeah. Yeah. 

[00:04:15] Ahlee: Got my own tiny army. 

[00:04:18] Alison: Yes, you do. Okay. So so let's dive in then and talk about some of the challenges that you have had in parenting your kids through, let's do deployment first.

[00:04:30] Alison: And like, so maybe like, you know, I don't know, did you, how did your kids do through the deployment? Did you, is there anything that you did like beforehand sending them up that went really well? Is there something, as you look back on it, Hey, if he's got to deploy again, we're going to do this thing differently.

[00:04:45] Alison: Is there, do you have any of that insight around it? 

[00:04:48] Ahlee: Okay. So I feel like one thing. I didn't know, because, you know, you don't know before the first time, right? You don't know what you don't know. Yeah, 100%. Exactly. So, I mean, I, , I tried to, , you know, crowd source, , just, , listening to people, , on Instagram, , oh, that person's going through deployment, they're talking about that, you know, I tried to do what I could.

[00:05:06] Ahlee: And one thing I wish I would have done earlier would have made, , had more of, , a visual aspect. To it like so that they could still make it concrete for them. You know, yes, I did do those things like as the deployment went on. So I guess we'll get into that later. But the things that I did beforehand that I actually wasn't sure if it was wise, but now I do think it was we actually didn't, we didn't tell them until we were certain, About a month out then because it because you know it it really did the date changed The date even changed when it was a month out like we were just like actually I got a very brief story for you about change we said all of our goodbyes for our deployment and I go to We're going to drop him off me you know everybody's in school already said all the goodbyes and going to drop him off and he gets a phone call and He just kind of like okay.

[00:06:00] Ahlee: Okay. Yep. All right hangs up and slowly turns to me he's like I just got extended for 24 hours and I'm like, I just pause. Cause I'm like, , I'm, I'm happy. I'm happy you're here, but , Oh my gosh, we have to do that emotional, rollercoaster with the kids again. talking about emotional whiplash, , right.

[00:06:17] Ahlee: A hundred percent. 

[00:06:18] Alison: Yeah. Cause then they'd be like, Oh my God, daddy's here. And then 24 hours later, when daddy actually gets on the bus or gets on the plane and it's gone, then they're going to be, Oh, I, it was, it was 

[00:06:29] Ahlee: interesting. 

[00:06:30] Alison: Yeah. 

[00:06:30] Ahlee: I was nervous. I was, it's like you go through the, I mean, I, I am certain I would bet millions of dollars on it that I am not the first or only person that that has happened to.

[00:06:40] Ahlee: , I'm sure not. Yeah. I'm sure. , yes. Oh yeah. Same girl. , yeah. But but yeah, it was so , well, what do you do? , you know, they're, they're already kind of fragile. That was a hard thing to do. , do you go stay in a hotel or do you come home? , do we do it again? So we did it again. 

[00:06:55] Ahlee: But still , you know, it's just that , You can only prepare so much, you know, and I think it really comes, I think what I learned Well, I learned a lot, but one thing I really learned was , you just have to feel the feelings. Right. Everybody has to. Nobody wants to 

[00:07:14] Alison: do that. Give me the chocolate instead.

[00:07:16] Ahlee: Yeah. , there's a reason why, , yes, we say, , you got to embrace the suck because it's funny to say that, but you actually have to do that. You actually have to feel the feelings and your kids have to feel the feelings and you just got to be there to intercept them. Because it's going to be, it's going to be emotional and messy, you know, you're a family unit and one part of you is missing for, and for kids, , especially with the age ranges, some of them, they understand, the, you know, it's, but some of them they're at the age where it's like object permanence, you know, , Oh, he's gone and I'll be, it's fine.

[00:07:54] Ahlee: , Oh, I'll see him when I see him. Or, and then some of them are just like, they, the yeah. Absence is even more notable and yeah, it was Oh, it was hard. 

[00:08:04] Alison: Yeah. How do you, how do you find cause this has been really hard for me in the, and again, we've just had little, like, you know, gone for a week or two or whatever, but Savannah especially has had a really, really hard time and she's done a lot.

[00:08:19] Alison: She's been in therapy now for a little while and which I highly encourage everybody to, if your kid is, and she's, She's not in, she's not in danger, right? She's, she's a pretty well adjusted kid. You know what I mean? But she just has these huge emotions and she's in that tween stage. And it's like, they don't, they don't know what this feeling is.

[00:08:41] Alison: They feel like it's wrong. They have 

[00:08:43] Ahlee: scares them. 

[00:08:43] Alison: It's scared. It is. It does scare them. They don't know how to regulate. And I can sit there and talk to her until I'm blue in the face about the way that her brain is developed. And you literally. Cannot like you can't, you don't have the executive function up there to be able to control this, right?

[00:08:59] Alison: Yeah. It's okay. You're learning, but coming from mom, it sometimes she absorbs it. And then sometimes it's in one ear and out the other. And she just spins right back up again. So that's the problem that we were having. So that's gotten a lot better since she's gone to therapy. So again, highly encouraged.

[00:09:18] Alison: But my point to that was that how did you, cause I find it very challenging because. Your kids are having a hard time, but so are you, right? You're missing your partner. And so now you're doing all the things and, and all, and taking on, they don't even know, right? Like the finances and the maintenance of the house and the car and the, you know, All the things, right.

[00:09:42] Alison: The procuring of things, the doctor support, everything. It just is like all sitting on you. And so when your kid is like, well, I can't, this is so hard and they're flipping out and internally. Right. So I feel like we really have to bottle ourselves down and . I don't know. I don't even know hot, not hide, but , how did you find that for you?

[00:10:01] Alison: Cause sometimes I'm just like, I can't, I can't, I don't have the space for your stuff too right now, which is, I feel terrible as a parent saying that, but that's real. Like that's real talk, 

[00:10:11] Ahlee: you know? Yeah. I I feel like, I mean, you know, like a, well, a deployment is a complete roller coaster. Like you, there is no, for me in my experience with the four kids and the different age ranges and all this.

[00:10:25] Ahlee: All the things. And my, and my own unique, maybe, maybe a better way is lack of grappling with my own emotions sometimes. Sure. Yeah. A hundred percent. Struggles of self regulating. It was the whole entire thing was a rollercoaster. It was, but I had to keep on reminding myself that you cannot get off in the middle of a rollercoaster.

[00:10:47] Ahlee: You can't. That's not safe. You gotta ride it. You gotta ride the waves or the ups and the downs. But I was, I was only able to, I tried to plug along on my own with no help, with no outlets other than maybe conversations here and there with neighbors. And , I remember asking neighbors too, I had a neighbor I love her.

[00:11:11] Ahlee: She just moved to Alaska, but I had a neighbor across the street and she has four kids, too, and I just remember asking her every now and then. , what do I do? , when does this get easier? What can I do to make it easier? , I feel like so many of us have those questions, and it is such a hard answer because everybody's unique.

[00:11:29] Ahlee: It's you as the parent and the kids, but it but things only started to even get. And I say easier loosely, I started, let me, let me rephrase it. I started to not feel like I and my family were on fire when I started to take care of myself. When I started to see an M plaque, like I started to go to counseling and not just not just verbally processed with my husband in a different time zone, but actually going to somebody else, you know, to unload that and to talk about my fears, because that's where most of it is, is the fear of , what are we doing to them?

[00:12:12] Ahlee: , is this life, are they going to break? , is this it? Are we going to be the ones that are breaking them? You know what I mean? Yes. And, and I was having lots of guilt because yes, I no, I, I have my own sensory stuff and I carry it. There are plenty of times where I'm just like, mommy cannot right now.

[00:12:29] Ahlee: I need to go step up and you need to give me five minutes. I need five minutes. Trust me. Just like, trust me on this one. But but I am a huge, like, if I could do one thing differently and I know another deployment will come, we don't, knock on wood, we don't have one coming, like, you know, on our calendar right now, but the one, I would go to preventative therapy.

[00:12:54] Ahlee: I think I would, I would immediately get in and be like, I don't know why I'm here yet. But I assure you, I 

[00:12:59] Alison: will need you. I assure you, I'm going to need you shortly! 

[00:13:02] Ahlee: I'm gonna need you at some point. Because the way that that and so, and I shortly got them into therapy, like, I would say probably after I had gone for like three weeks, I was like, let's get them in, because if this is helping me, this has gotta be helping them. 

[00:13:19] Ahlee: And but, yeah, it was, it was in, I think it was, I, I hit a breaking point personally, , I don't wish that type of a point on anybody, , for a deployment that I was just like, I cannot, I cannot do this. , I am struggling that bad. I feel like. I've got, we talked before this, but I felt like I had weight on my chest, like an elephant sitting on my chest.

[00:13:43] Ahlee: Yep. How am I going to do this another day? Let alone the extension we got hit with. It was like, I was like, we got two months left. I can do this. You know, you get in that stretch. And then when he was gone, the war broke out in Ukraine. It was like indefinite extension. And I'm like, what does that mean?

[00:13:59] Ahlee: Yes. , What do you mean? Yes, indefinite. You know, and I'm like, that could be, that could be three months. Mm-Hmm. . That could be the same date. That could be in October. That could be, you know, it was just like, I can't hang on that long, but you have to Mm-Hmm. . I know, like I said, you can knock it off in the middle of the rollercoaster.

[00:14:14] Ahlee: Mm-Hmm mm-Hmm. . So it was going to therapy that the therapist himself, it was just like you for me, right? Mm-Hmm. . I need to build my stress bridge. Up to a certain level to then be able to assist the kids in building their stress bridge because here's a fun fact, maybe you know this, maybe you don't, but like the actual term stress is an engineering term originally.

[00:14:43] Ahlee: That's where it comes from. It's just stress is just, was just a term to to Like a mathematical term to say, like, how much can this, how much load can this bridge, this structure hold? Sure. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. So, but we use it, but now we use how much load can we hold? Well, let me see. I don't, I don't think it took very long for it to be adopted in the field of psychology.

[00:15:06] Ahlee: Yes. But because it is, it's, it's truly, that's what we're doing. I, I know I know that, like, the word resilient, resiliency, is like, it's thrown around left and right, left and right, and sometimes people get, sometimes it rubs people the wrong way because they, you know, they want what our kids go through to be acknowledged and not just like that resilience is just assumed, like it just happens, right?

[00:15:33] Ahlee: There's a, this was, this was actually during our deployment. I believe, was it during her diploma? I think it was, but there's Mallory from Mom is on the Move. You know who, you know what that account is? She does all the PCS. Yes. Yeah, she was 

[00:15:49] Alison: just, she, I don't know if they're still in Colorado Springs, but like yeah, they're right, she's right near where we are.

[00:15:53] Alison: I 

[00:15:53] Ahlee: think, I think they are for now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, so she she had a, she posts, she had a post one time and she turned it into a shirt, which I think was genius, but it's, it's, the shirt says Raising Resilience. , crazy, , like, ri because this, I wish I could, I wish I had the post on hand right now and maybe I'll go fish for it and, like, give it to you, share it, whatever, but, like, she wrote out this whole beautiful post that it was, it just explained it so eloquently how the kids just are not just resilient, it doesn't just happen.

[00:16:25] Ahlee: , it doesn't just happen. , we actually need to help them raise that up. You know, we need to help them get stronger and, , have the, have the tools to pull from. And yeah, I cannot speak more highly, getting into therapy enough either. , I just and, and, you know, the, the, The M PLACs if you're, if you're living on a post, , a lot of them operate out of the schools, too.

[00:16:50] Ahlee: , they'll see your kid during school. What does that, what does that stand for? M PLAC? Military Family Life Advocacy Center. I think so. Is that a Advocacy Counselor. Okay. Military family counselor. Something like that. Something like that. Okay. And, 

[00:17:05] Alison: but it's like, so it would be like Bleeton family services for the Navy or, you know, similar probably wherever, yeah, wherever I'm just, cause that doesn't, that term didn't sound familiar to me, but we're different branches, which is, I mean, right.

[00:17:19] Alison: The military is the military, but still it's like, if people are like, hold on, what 

[00:17:22] Ahlee: is that again? Yeah. Where do I find that? That's like squadron versus. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Which, I don't, do either of us have squadrons? I don't think so. No. I don't know where I pulled that term from. Who knows? That's funny.

[00:17:36] Ahlee: I'm listening to somebody on the internet.

[00:17:41] Ahlee: Yeah. But but, but military one source is an app that we all use. And that is, I had kept hearing about Military OneSource, and that was actually how I figured, like, found out about MFLAX for Army at all, is I went on the Military OneSource app, and I was like, googled. I was probably like, help me now.

[00:18:01] Ahlee: Right? Oh, yeah. 

[00:18:02] Alison: I think they have a button that's literally like, you know what I mean? Like, they've got that, that's like, where you can, yeah, where you can talk to someone right away. 

[00:18:10] Ahlee: Yes, they even have people that you can talk to immediately, so I, I yeah, and I just, and I don't know, , I mean, I, I was struggling so bad, , I, and I feel like even, even if I was, , blowing any of that out of proportion, , you know, , it, even though, even if it wasn't as bad as what I was thinking, it probably was, but, yeah, but I, , had this fear, too, And I'm sure parents have, there have got to be parents that have felt this too, so I'm just going to say it.

[00:18:36] Ahlee: But I had fears of , well, can I ask for help? Can I say I'm struggling? Are they going to take my kids? You know, , can I, can I say that out loud? , yes, I'm really struggling. And yes, you can. Yes, you can. Yes. Saying the quiet part out loud, that alone, like saying, I'm struggling just lifts. Yes.

[00:18:55] Ahlee: Starts the way it really does. I agree. I got goosebumps. 

[00:18:58] Alison: Yeah, it really does. Because, and I, I hear you. I have definitely that. Cause that's a fear, right? Like, yeah. Can I, is this okay? Am I allowed to do this? I don't, especially when 

[00:19:07] Ahlee: you're, especially during a deployment when you don't live near any family or anything.

[00:19:10] Ahlee: So I'm just like, Hmm. , my husband's not here, but if I'm literally, so, so, , I, I called our counseling center once I got the number through that app and they just said, , you know, what's going on? What do you need? And I was just like, I just said, I need help and I need help like yesterday. , I need help really bad.

[00:19:30] Ahlee: I need to talk to somebody quick. And they literally got me in the next day, in person here. And so yeah, it was just, it was so simple as , Saying that I needed help and I needed to give them no other information other than that. And so I just yeah, sometimes I think people get stuck in the, , whirlpool of, , This is so hard.

[00:19:50] Ahlee: This is so hard. I can complain and nothing gets better. Whatever. But, the hands are there 

[00:19:56] Alison: to lift you up. I know. I know. They are. They are. And I appreciate you saying that because I feel like especially as we're talking about parenting our kids. Yeah. We, whether we like it or not, are the emotional barometers for our house.

[00:20:11] Alison: And so if mama is I have notes right here and I wrote down emotional 

[00:20:14] Ahlee: barometer because just to remember. Yeah. So you're right. 

[00:20:17] Alison: That's why we're supposed to be friends. Because we share a brain sometimes. 

[00:20:22] Ahlee: But yes, we're their emotional barometer. Like it's so important. A hundred percent. We're talking about our kids, but we can't talk about them 

[00:20:27] Alison: until we Care of yourself.

[00:20:29] Alison: Exactly. And the other part of that too is, and I think that this is something again, we're, you know, really personal here, but with Savannah specifically, she is so similar to me, very similar in personality types. And a lot of the stuff that she does. I hate the word triggering because I feel like it's overused, but I mean, like, I just, it just, it really, it really does like trigger me.

[00:20:52] Alison: Like, I'm just like right away. And so then I'm dysregulated, right? This is a psychological term, but I'm dysregulated. I can't help regulate her if I'm not regulated. Right. So then it's like, and it's, and that's where the, I think that's where we get into this, like, holy crap, how can I, Help my kids. And honestly, the best way to help your kids is to help yourself because if you're regulated, which sucks because that's not fair because then it's like, so then I'm not allowed to have a bad day.

[00:21:21] Alison: I can't be completely overwhelmed by the situation that we're in right now. I can't completely like lose my mind. I'm not allowed to do that because if I do that, then my kids are gonna go crazy too. And here's what I found. Go ahead. No, you 

[00:21:34] Ahlee: go first. Okay, so I was gonna say, so what I 

[00:21:36] Alison: found, so like we had, we're in the middle of a PCS right now, right?

[00:21:41] Alison: So we are going in two to three months. 

[00:21:45] Ahlee: Don't know when. I thought that you already PCS. 

[00:21:47] Alison: Oh no, it's coming. We were 

[00:21:48] Ahlee: talking about it. We were talking, I've been talking about it for a 

[00:21:50] Alison: long time. It's coming. No, so we, he has to be there. Like the second week in August or something has to be, but depending on what happens, we're selling our house here.

[00:22:02] Alison: So depending on what happens with that and, and can we get into housing? We're we officially got orders the other day. So now we can be on that list. So that's a step, right? So now we're on the list. But so we met with a realtor yesterday evening and it was not how I thought it was going to go at all.

[00:22:22] Alison: And so I'm like, Just completely in my head and overwhelmed with, Oh my God, what is it? I don't understand. And I just can't, I can't get out of it. Like I just, and Savannah is like, Mommy, do you need a hug? What music do you want to listen to? Held my hand all the way to school today. Yeah. But you know where she learns it 

[00:22:47] Ahlee: from.

[00:22:48] Ahlee: So they pay attention. 

[00:22:49] Alison: They do pay attention. They do pay attention. But they. I think so. So I think the point of it is, is that, I mean, understanding, right, we are the emotional barometer for our kids, which is a lot of pressure to put on ourselves, but it's also okay to not be okay. And to show our kids 

[00:23:08] Ahlee: that, right.

[00:23:09] Ahlee: And that's what I was going to say was, you know is it, Some people think that they do kind of, kind of, like, button up, pull up the bootstraps, they can't see me cry, they're not gonna see me fly off the handle, like, they're, you know, whatever, like, I have to just be the emotional barometer and that is a lot of pressure to be the emotional barometer but the thing is, is that it can be so incredibly healing just to get the heart out and open and I'm not saying that it's okay to fly off the handle and, like, scream and whatever, like, no.

[00:23:41] Ahlee: It happens. But it's not ideal. 

[00:23:44] Alison: I am guilty. It happens. Oh yeah, 100%. Me too. Yeah, 100%. Yeah, for sure. 

[00:23:49] Ahlee: Yeah, as to which, this is just a side quest, but people will be like, Oh, I wish I could be so calm as you are with your kids. And I'm like, 

[00:23:56] Alison: Oh, girl. I have no chill. Ask them. Actually, don't. 

[00:24:02] Ahlee: You know what? Don't give them a microphone.

[00:24:04] Ahlee: Yeah. Ever. But but to, like, it, that's like the, it's like the steps. Towards healing is putting it out on the table and saying, Hey guys, if anything, that's usually a cue for me too, where I'm like, wow, I feel terrible, or I feel anxious, or I feel tense or whatever. I'm like, yeah, they're probably feeling the same way.

[00:24:28] Ahlee: Should probably talk about this. So we, so we actually ended up, I wanna say this was also right after we, this wasn't something we pulled from counseling, but it was like a light switch that went off. For me, once we started going to counseling where I was like. We should probably have a family meeting like we should probably have a regular family meeting every week That's predictable because all the things I was learning like look like right they need to talk.

[00:24:54] Ahlee: They need routine They need whatever all the all these different things that they need I'm like, let's make this like a routine practice then like something new that we do as a family and we started doing what we Try what we called family council. Okay, we did it. We did it on Sundays we would go to church come home and we'd have family council and we had a little composition notebook where I would go ahead and I would write the date and I would let them know what they should be anticipating for the week coming up ahead. 

[00:25:22] Ahlee: We would talk about responsibilities, like who's responsible for what, so the expectations are clear, right? Then we talk about our feelings, then we talk about prayer requests, then we talk about worries, fears, whatever. And we would end it just, like, praying together for, like, our week ahead, and I'm telling you, like, did we have perfect days every day after that?

[00:25:41] Ahlee: Did things fall apart an hour later? Sometimes it did. Yeah. But like, it's still, it, it did help. Like, you could tell like the whole shift in the house was just like, Oh, we're going to be okay. We're talking about this again. We're going to be okay. We've talked about the heart again. We've all been heard and we're going to be okay.

[00:26:00] Ahlee: Cause we're going to do this together. So it just yeah, it, it's just so important. I think to when something is happening to the family unit to go, you're going through it together, like you're going to heal through it together to, you know, like you're navigating it together. So I think it's more than okay 

[00:26:19] Alison: for 

[00:26:19] Ahlee: them to see mom or hear mom say, I am so sad and overwhelmed guys.

[00:26:24] Ahlee: I miss daddy bad, like real bad. Like you guys are great, but yeah. 

[00:26:30] Alison: Not quite the same. Yeah. 

[00:26:32] Ahlee: Yeah. Right back. Like, mom, you know, I love you, but I really want dad. Like that's fine. Me too. Right. Yeah. So I feel ya. Yeah. Yeah. That was a biggie. That was a 

[00:26:43] Alison: biggie. I, I, I think that that is awesome because we talked about, it was a couple of episodes ago where it was 10 tips for parenting your kids through PCS and deployment. And that meeting just touched on like five of them. Yeah. Your kids need routine. They need structure. They need to have an outlet and feel like that they are heard and they're, they're seen, they need to have expectations. Like this is what's going to happen.

[00:27:11] Alison: Like that stuff. They need that, right. That helps them. Yeah. feel more confident and comfortable in this situation. Right. And again, every kid is different, but like I, so I'm really glad that you said that. Cause that's, I think that's cool. And then, so did you, after the deployment was over, have you carried on that family council or was that just a tool?

[00:27:27] Alison: Yeah. Okay. Yeah. 

[00:27:28] Ahlee: Nope. We do. There have been, there have definitely been times where we, we have like fallen off the wagon, but we but whenever. Whenever things get, cause, it's not all rainbows and butterflies once they come back, you know? Right, no, it's not. Reintegration is a thing. Yes. Guess what?

[00:27:45] Ahlee: Reintegration is a thing, and also, 

[00:27:47] Alison: family just has drama sometimes. It sure does. A hundred percent. Actually, very 

[00:27:51] Ahlee: big families. So, yeah. Whenever it starts to get a little Once we feel like we're falling off the wagon a little bit. Or if there's like excess conflict in the home where it's, it's usually a kid actually that will suggest and say, Hey, maybe we should start having family council again.

[00:28:09] Ahlee: And I'm like, you're probably right. Yeah, we have, we have done it. I would say we've, we've done about, I would give us like a 75 percent for this year. So like we've been doing it like just, just about every Sunday. Okay. 

[00:28:25] Alison: Yeah, I think that's great. Yeah. And then, and this is the other thing too, is that you, your kids are going to, cause every kid is different, right?

[00:28:34] Alison: Like I've got two daughters and they are completely different, completely different. They both, every time you talk about your 

[00:28:40] Ahlee: daughter, I'm thinking that you're referring to mine because mine, my daughter's Savannah. So I'm like, Oh, that's right. That's 

[00:28:46] Alison: right. I forgot about that. That's right. Yeah. So but they are, they, Learn so much more through modeling than a lecture.

[00:28:55] Alison: These are the things that you should do. Whereas it's like, Oh my gosh, I am so stressed out right now. So do you know what I'm going to make sure I do today? I'm going to make sure I go outside and take the dogs for a walk and I get some sunshine. I'm going to make sure that I get my workout done. I'll make sure I drink lots of water and I'm going to try not to eat all the chocolate in the house and just give myself a little bit of a break.

[00:29:12] Alison: And I'm now, so this is what I'm doing. And so I'm modeling for my kids. This is self care. Right. Which I think is important instead of just being like, well, you know, that doesn't, doesn't always work. It's not always. I've got, 

[00:29:25] Ahlee: I've got a book for you now. Yes, I do. I have a book for you. It's triggered it.

[00:29:30] Ahlee: Once you yeah. Once you said that about the modeling and , no, not lecturing. So one of the books that I read during deployment, cause, oh my gosh, if whatever, you know, You can always tell based on what I'm reading, what I'm, , struggling with. So, , that deployment was super heavy, , parenting books.

[00:29:48] Ahlee: So, when, if you have any parenting books, , I've read them all. , I'll tell you which ones to read. That's awesome. Yes! Give us the list. But one of them I wish that it was the first parenting book that I had ever read. I really do. I mean that with my whole heart, and I've read them all.

[00:30:02] Ahlee: And it is called Hunt, Gather, Parent. Hunt. Oh, I don't think I've ever heard of that. No, I haven't. Okay. Now, and this is, I have to preface too, cause like, it's, it can be a little I I've, I've some people I think of think that it's a little woo woo or I don't know, but I my husband and I, I would say that we're definitely more traditional parents.

[00:30:24] Ahlee: Yeah. Take that as you will. Yeah, we're not I'm not anti gender parenting, that's not what I'm saying, but I'm just saying we're more yeah, we're just, we're more traditional, we say this, we want you to do it, there will be a consequence if you do not do the thing. Right, yeah, yeah. But Hunt, Gather, Parent, oh my gosh, it was just such a good book, so it goes through, these, I think it's five different cultures, ancient cultures, ancient civilization cultures, and one, , that are still operating today.

[00:30:52] Ahlee: Yeah. Yeah. Maybe not in the same, you know, fashion, but close. And it just goes through different things. One different One thing that each of them does really, really well. And one of them was one of them that hit I think it might have been the first culture they talked about, but it was I want to say maybe it's an, is it the Aztecs?

[00:31:16] Ahlee: One of them, they don't talk a lot. They don't give a bunch of directions. It's just pointing to that shoe because it's time to go to school and you're going to put your shoes on because I'm pointing to the shoe. They don't say anything. They're just doing it. Or they just , or it's one word or one sentence and not repeated, , and I'm just like, can that actually work?

[00:31:38] Ahlee: I'm reading it because I'm an over communicator. So me too. I'm like, I, it was a really, three minutes, one minute. Do you have this? But the list, the laundry list that comes out every time. And I realized I'm 

[00:31:53] Alison: like, 

[00:31:53] Ahlee: So it was so confusing. And again, that's just one part of it. There was a whole bunch.

[00:31:57] Ahlee: There was a whole chapters. I think it was the, it was an ink, maybe, maybe an Inuit tribe that has them like help out, they help, they all have a job, all the time. They're always helping. But, and because kids really love to help. So anyway, so I was doing, , It was convicting because , I am doing everything for them and I think I'm overcompensating and burning myself to the wick because I feel like they have it hard enough already going through this hard season but I'm actually handicapping them or I'm actually, , you know, causing them to feel like they're not needed or whatever it is.

[00:32:30] Ahlee: They need more jobs. Yeah. And then the other thing that was really convicting is that I am, I am an over communicator. I can't Oh, man. , and , man, I must be so annoying. , I've been reading this book. , yeah, yeah, literally. Yeah. Five minutes to go three minutes to two minutes, two minutes to get your shoes on.

[00:32:48] Ahlee: I talk too much. And that's why they're not listening because I'm saying too many words and now they don't even know what to listen to. So it really helped me during the deployment a lot. I changed up so much of my parenting style, which made it into it. Reintegration are really interesting. Oh, I bet it's.

[00:33:04] Alison: So when you started your family council and you guys were having your meetings, was your husband who was deployed involved in those? Or was it really just you guys at the home front? 

[00:33:15] Ahlee: No, it was us at home. Us at the home front, yeah. But we were excited. We I remember talking about So, I didn't tell any of them that When he was coming home.

[00:33:25] Ahlee: So I know some people do countdowns and stuff like that. Right, right, right, right. But once you have one extension, you're like I know. I know. I feel you. I feel you. Yeah. I feel you. Yes. 100%. Yeah, so I didn't tell them anything, but I started to talk more about, , we talked about him all the time. All the time.

[00:33:46] Ahlee: Every day, multiple times a day. But I talked about him more as in, , as if he was here or coming soon, , without saying, hey, he's coming soon. It was like, wouldn't it be fun to have daddy here and do family council? What do you think that will look like? You know, , do you think he'll like it? , So no, he wasn't.

[00:34:04] Ahlee: He knew we were doing it. I, and I was telling him, , hey, , not to, , switch things up on you. You know, we can do it if it works for you, too, but I want you to know that we don't have to continue it, but I want you to know that it's really seems to be working, , yeah, right now.

[00:34:17] Ahlee: And he was like, whatever, man, , you've been, y'all have been a hot mess. I'll do it every, whatever he thinks gonna work. I'll do it. Yeah, they hear good. Does he hear it? Everything? 

[00:34:27] Alison: Oh, yeah. Right. 

[00:34:28] Ahlee: I know. 

[00:34:29] Alison: And I feel like that's interesting too, because I remember I remember when I was like a brand new baby mill spouse and it was his first ship that he went to and they were on deployment.

[00:34:42] Alison: So it was my first deployment. And one of the senior spouses broke her arm and they had young kids. Like three young kids. Oh no. And she didn't tell her husband that she had broken her arm. Oh no. And I was like, and I was like, why? What? She's like, he's got enough to worry about. I don't need him to be wor, they do wanna know.

[00:35:01] Alison: I don't want him to be worrying about me. You know, and what we're, what's going on at home? It will be fine. And I remember thinking to myself, oh my God. So am I not supposed to tell Michael the stuff that's bothering me? Mm-Hmm. Am I supposed to keep all of this stuff inside so that I don't, you know, he's got so much pressure while he's deployed.

[00:35:19] Alison: I don't wanna add to it. And I was, I, yeah, I do remember feeling like that, right? So I, Mm-Hmm. . So I just think that that's a conversation because I remember being like, oh my God, so am I not supposed to do this? And honestly, what I would. And I feel like this is kind of the answer for everything is it's very personal and it's what works for you.

[00:35:38] Alison: I'm not holding anything back. If I'm like, if something's a show or somebody gets hurt or something happens he's going to hear all of it. Right. Because I, yeah, that's just how I am and how our relationship is. But I mean, everybody's different. So you're going to have to gauge that for yourself.

[00:35:53] Alison: But I just remember being like, Oh, gosh. So I shouldn't, you know, cause it, and I can see both sides of it, honestly. Right. Because the op tempo that they have and the things that they see and the stuff that they have to do is a lot. It's a lot. And so you really don't want to burden them quote unquote, right.

[00:36:13] Alison: With things that might be happening at home. 

[00:36:16] Ahlee: Right. I, I know what my husband expressed to me at one point was never, , don't tell me things or, , you know, you're complaining, oh, wow, , he was a great ear, but I know that he just felt, , I just want to help, I just want to help you, , I just want to be there to help, and I want to do something to help, and I feel, like, There's nothing I can do.

[00:36:36] Ahlee: And I'm just like, don't downplay being a listening, listening ear sometimes. True. Let it out. Yeah. But yeah, I think that there's, yeah, I think it's very personal. And there can be a balance found, I think too, in it, you know, not, it doesn't have to be like withholding everything or word vomiting everything, you know?

[00:36:56] Ahlee: Right. Yeah. Yeah. 

[00:36:58] Alison: I just wanted to touch on that because I, I know that there's a lot of new mill spouses that listen to the show. And if they're like, Oh gosh, a lot of it again, is what works for you. You know, if that works for you and your relationship, that's okay. But I just felt like, that was a lot of pressure to hold for yourself.

[00:37:16] Alison: Do you know what I'm saying? Like, I, I, I don't like that. I, he gets everything. Yeah. Yeah. He gets all the, he gets all the things. Okay. So so, so prior to deployment, You wish that you would have started counseling for yourself in preparation and your kids sooner and then you didn't tell your kids until it was closer to the time.

[00:37:40] Alison: And again, that's a really personal thing. Some people might be like, Oh, daddy's leaving tomorrow and that might work for your family. Or maybe your kid really needs to like. Get used to the idea. And so you're going to tell them a little bit. It's so that again, that's a really personal thing. And then during the deployment was helpful for you to one work on yourself through counseling and parenting books.

[00:38:02] Alison: And then to that family counselor, that family meeting once a week, is there anything else that during deployment and then, and then now stepping into reintegration and him coming home, is there anything that you did or saw or wish you would have done for your kids during that time? 

[00:38:18] Ahlee: Well, I wish one thing, one thing that worked, it ended up working wonders for not just myself, but for the kids was actually getting outside, just getting outside.

[00:38:29] Ahlee: And I'm, again, , I'm not a woo woo person. But, , you can't knock the healing power of nature and, , literally getting outside. , go outside. I'm not even just saying, , go outside barefoot. , just go outside. Get your hands in the dirt. Go for a walk. , take a deep breath of fresh air.

[00:38:44] Ahlee: , I don't know. There's just something about it. So So, 

[00:38:49] Alison: side tangent. 

[00:38:50] Ahlee: Yeah, because 

[00:38:51] Alison: I am a very scientific brain person, but I also have the woo woo yoga side of me as well. And so I enjoy bringing the two of those things together and they have literally sat people with an EEG attached to their brain and put them in the woods and measured their brain waves and everything and their cortisol levels, which is your stress hormone and everything decreases.

[00:39:17] Alison: Yep. When you're out in nature. There's 

[00:39:18] Ahlee: gotta be a scientific component. Yes. I, I had read, there was another, there was another book I read during deployment. It's called There's No Such Thing As Bad Weather. It's a, I think it's a Scandinavian mom or something, but it's all about basically getting outside, get outside.

[00:39:33] Ahlee: We're not meant to, , we literally are not, we're meant to have shelter. Yes. We're not meant to spend all day inside of, inside four walls. We really need Greenery and the air and stuff like that and but that was another book that I read right after that hunt gather parent that I was like I think they might be on to something.

[00:39:54] Ahlee: I'm going to start making it a point to eliminate the screens. I didn't actually, I'm like, I didn't let my kids use screens. Maybe I would have let them use it every now and then, now in hindsight, because it would have given me some mental breaks, but I didn't let them use iPads, I didn't let them play video games, because it would affect them emotionally, like they would become so emotionally fragile.

[00:40:16] Ahlee: It does. Huh. It really does. So it was like for nine months. They were, I was like, sorry, not till daddy comes home. Cause I cannot handle your yes, whatever happens to you. 

[00:40:26] Alison: I know. Oh God. When our kids have more iPad time than they, than they normally do, there is a marked difference in their behavior. And I'm like yeah, it was 

[00:40:37] Ahlee: crazy to see.

[00:40:38] Ahlee: Yeah. It was like a, a weird trust fall. You guys are gonna have to just . Believe me that this is going to be for your good, but we started to get outside every day. I mean we spent hours outside and It really did, it impacted, , it just, it impacted their mood, they were sleeping easier at nighttime, they were less volatile yeah, it was, that was something that we carry through still, and I wish I would have done, because you know, , being one to four, , that ratio, especially with young kids, at the beginning of that deployment, my youngest was not even one and a half yet, he was little, little, so I had teens, toddlers, and an infant, and It was a lot to take them anywhere by myself and the anxiety would kick in even on our own street because I'm like, what if one of them wanders off and gets hit by a car?

[00:41:27] Ahlee: , it's a speed on military housing. I don't know why MPs are everywhere, but they do it. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I wish I would have bit the bullet and Done that more with them in the beginning to like, just get outside, take a break, lay in the grass. I don't know. 

[00:41:44] Alison: So one of the other things too, from a psychological standpoint for our kids, especially if you've got like the, the teen tween age kids and even older kids is it is very challenging for them to have serious or emotional conversations eyeball to eyeball.

[00:42:02] Alison: It's intimidating. They don't like it. It's too Go for a freaking walk. Go for a walk in the woods and have a go for a bike ride, take the dogs for a walk, whatever, and have your conversation. And then it doesn't feel as intimidating or do it's like in therapy, right? Like art therapy, we're coloring, we're doing something else that we're having a conversation while we're doing it, but it doesn't feel that heavy when you're doing something else.

[00:42:27] Alison: And it's the same thing for your marriage. I said, so when we were stationed. In Washington. Previously, we loved to hike. And when we were there initially for the first like year and a half, my mother in law lived nearby. And so the girls would go to grandma's for the day and Michael and I would go hiking.

[00:42:43] Alison: And I'm telling you, it was like fricking marriage counseling. You're out on that trail for miles and miles and miles and the woods. And we would just have the most random conversations. And like, I've never felt closer to him in our marriage. Yeah. Then that time. Do you know what I'm saying? So I do. 

[00:43:01] Ahlee: Yeah, it's there.

[00:43:02] Ahlee: We do. We do weekly walks like on the weekends. We'll go walk together. I walk every day. And I call it a mental health walk. But it's yes, something I took from the deployment that I'm like, this is good for me. I need an hour to go outside and walk by myself. And yeah, but yeah, he joins me and I have to agree.

[00:43:19] Ahlee: Like we, the hard conversations are much easier to have, like when you're walking and talking. I don't know if it's that. Yeah. Like, I don't know. It just the environment matters. Maybe it's like it's less charged emotionally or something. 

[00:43:34] Alison: I feel like, I don't know if it's like the, the movement part of it, right?

[00:43:38] Alison: You're, it's an, it's an active conversation as opposed to I'm standing here. You're standing there. I'm sitting here and you're sitting there and we're having this, that feels very confrontational. Whereas if you're just walking and you're moving together, it just, I feel like it just, it's, it's flows more as opposed to being.

[00:43:54] Alison: You know what I mean? , that's also kind of woo woo y, but , it really does feel that way. If you're like, well, I'm, you know, I don't know, , or whatever the case might be, or you can have that same conversation, but you're walking, everything's different. You're upright. Your shoulders are back.

[00:44:08] Alison: You're, you know what I'm saying? Everything changes and how we carry ourselves, that impacts your mood. Right. And so like, how are, you can't be walking down the street. I mean, you could with your arms crossing your head down, you could do that, but you're really not, you're going to be, you know, and that , you can, I don't know.

[00:44:27] Alison: I just, it just lets it, lets it all go. But anyways. Okay. So again, there's so many side changes. It's so much fun. So. So yeah. Right. Okay. So I feel like, do you feel like we've covered deployments? Well, is there anything that you would want to add to parenting your, is there anything? So I feel like, cause we've kind of already talked about it.

[00:44:48] Alison: So going through to your next deployment, is there anything that you would do differently? Yeah. 

[00:44:52] Ahlee: I do have one more thing that in this was something from, from the. counselor that I was like, Oh, yeah, we probably all do that. So , you're so stressed, right? And there's , you are literally juggling all the things and your kids are also stressed because they're right because we're the barometer.

[00:45:09] Ahlee: He said that, , the biggest thing that he notices with military kids and their behavior and , you know, during a deployment is that there's not enough play happening with the parent. , there's not enough play. , and I'm like, oof. So first of all. I am, I am, I am the goofy parent, absolutely.

[00:45:31] Ahlee: , but I've never been the, let's play with your figurines, , parent. Right. I, I'm the same way. I'm like, what? I don't know. You want to go shoot baskets? , I'll do that, but I cannot make voices with your little thing. Sorry. I feel ya. I feel ya. He's like, you don't have to do that.

[00:45:51] Ahlee: , Tickle them, wrestle with them, play tag, , do this, do that, but they, , he's, he's , just, you need to maybe start, , he suggested that I maybe start not just scheduling in play, scheduling it, just I schedule in all the other tasks, , play being a task for a mental health that has to happen, but, , just to, you know, , make it fun, it's, it's.

[00:46:12] Ahlee: Wrestle just he's like, you got a bunch of boys throw them on the floor. That's their love language. They literally , you know, that's but he's like, that's physical touch. Like you, they might be missing that from dad. And I'm in my head. I'm like, Oh, yeah, they're definitely missing that because the very first thing they did the minute we walked, we picked him up at like 4am.

[00:46:31] Ahlee: That's when he got home, which of course it was yeah. Yeah, of course it was. I'm like, yeah, of course it was camera 

[00:46:37] Alison: ready. Oh yeah. Right. Of course. Yeah. Everybody's so smiling and happy to be there at four o'clock in the morning. Your hair looks great. Makeup done. Everybody's smiling. No meltdowns. Right.

[00:46:48] Alison: Yeah. Yeah, exactly. 

[00:46:50] Ahlee: The very thing. First thing that we did when he's jet or that they asked to do when he's jet lag, we're worried about what every integration is going to look like. Is it going to be weird? It's going to be awkward. We walk in the door. What do they want to do? They asked me to play monster tag.

[00:47:02] Ahlee: You can probably infer what that looks like, right? Yeah, you know, like chasing around the house and that's what they wanted to do. They just wanted to do that. And so I just think that I would have done that differently too. Like I would have been like, Ooh, You are tense and uptight and that's valid, like, as a parent being in control or in charge of all the things right now, but you have to loosen up and you have to play because they need that to regulate themselves too and feel loved and close and like, the sky's not falling.

[00:47:38] Ahlee: You can play, you don't always have to be mad, mad sad, angry, anxious, whatever, you know? So that was big that I would make, take note of to do differently, and that I notice now even, , if our family, again, is in a time of, , feeling a little stressed, it's like, are we playing enough? Are they having, are we having fun experiences in the family or is it go, go, go to the next thing, next thing, next thing?

[00:48:04] Ahlee: Yeah. So, yeah. Yeah. I think that that's probably the, that's probably the last big thing. Yeah, I think that's probably the play. 

[00:48:12] Alison: Yeah. Okay. So okay. So then let's kind of switch gears a little bit and talk about PCS. So what, is there anything that, how does, how does that go for you guys when you're going to PCS?

[00:48:25] Alison: Do you do you wait till the last minute to tell them you're going to go? Are they involved in the conversation? Are they Do they help pack up the house? Do you send them away? Like, what, what does that look like for you guys when you're in that season? 

[00:48:39] Ahlee: Okay. So they knew. That was something that we did not, I don't know why.

[00:48:44] Ahlee: We weren't, we didn't protect the timeline on that one. I think we just thought that it would be better for them to have more time. , that's something that, that's easier to have, like, extra time on. You know what I mean? Okay. So So yeah, we would just let them, , right now, we're in a PCS year too.

[00:48:59] Ahlee: We just are in that big fat question mark of, is it October? Is it next May? You know, , we don't, so, but they know, , you may be here for school next year or you may not be. So just, you know, , take, take with that what you can. But yeah, we let them know. We made sure to, , I remember we made sure to, We made a list of, , the people that we wanted to see for sure before we left, you know, at least one time.

[00:49:24] Ahlee: We made a list of places that we wanted to go to one last time. This was each PCS that, that year that we moved a million times, , by the, by the last PCS, it's like I knew what was important. And it was , seeing places one more time. What do you want to take a picture of? Who do you want a picture with?

[00:49:44] Ahlee: One thing that we did that made the actual PCS drive fun for our first PCS we did the license plate game. We were like, let's see how many license plates we can get. You know, like we're moving. Spoiler alert though, , you go on a military post and you're like, cool I just saw them all. , World's quickest 

[00:50:04] Alison: license plate gate.

[00:50:07] Alison: So the rule is, you have to be 30 miles away from post before you start. Otherwise, you're right. Yes, that's hilarious. Yes, that's funny. 

[00:50:15] Ahlee: No, but it was so true. But it was a big celebration once we finally hit all 50. But it was kind of like, wow, that went a lot faster than we thought. Oh, 

[00:50:24] Alison: well, spoiler alert.

[00:50:25] Alison: Yeah. 

[00:50:26] Ahlee: Yeah they were a part, they were definitely a part of the, I wouldn't say that they were a part of the packing process, like helping pack, but they were, they were definitely, they took part in the purging process. Yeah. So, like, which I think is a great it's just a great story. It's something that I know like, like military families do, like with the love hate relationship with PCS season, usually more of a hate relationship, but like purging and like knowing what is important to you, I feel like we're really good at that, you know?

[00:50:52] Ahlee: I agree. You kind of like can't be a hoarder, cause that's It's, it's just too much. By the end of the PCS, you're just like, Emotionally detached from everything that's not. I'm telling 

[00:51:02] Alison: you, God, by the time yours, this stuff's on the truck. I'm like, I don't care. It goes in the trash. Like, I don't even want to see it.

[00:51:09] Alison: Right. Oh gosh. I don't care. I don't 

[00:51:12] Ahlee: care if that's grandma's fine. China. I don't want that anymore. Yeah. Yes. We 

[00:51:19] Alison: all get there. Yeah. 

[00:51:20] Ahlee: Yeah. Yeah. We're part of the packing process. And We got addresses for people for , you know, wouldn't it be fun to write mail? , I know you can FaceTime. That's great.

[00:51:29] Ahlee: But , let's get at it. It's just anything that gave them a sense of, Oh, this whole everything from this moment on doesn't have to disappear. You know, it gave it some sense of a Some stuff can come with me. The memory, yeah, like this isn't going. I just won't be in the same vicinity or like this is coming with me.

[00:51:49] Ahlee: I get to hold this the whole drive, you know, things like that. Yeah, I, I think those are some, those are definitely some things that helps. A lot. I 

[00:51:58] Alison: feel like with our kids and it's gotten a little bit less, I feel like as we've moved. So our last move that was three years ago they needed a lot of reassurance then.

[00:52:09] Alison: And on the move three years before that, two years before that, when we moved from Florida to Washington that their stuff wasn't going away because they really, they didn't, they, they were having a really hard time. In that like young elementary school age, right? Like, hold on a second. And I had to keep reassuring them.

[00:52:30] Alison: It's just going in a box and then it's going to get put on a truck and taken to our new house. It's not going, it's going to be, you're going to have the same stuff here. It's just going to be in a different house. Like they really needed a lot of reassurance around. Cause they were like, hold on, my stuff is going west.

[00:52:44] Alison: Heads up, you're getting rid of all my stuff. Like, you know, they just, they didn't, they didn't. They didn't get that. And they do now. They're like, Oh, okay. You know, whatever. And then now that we're, so they're 11 and 12 now, so they're going to be a lot more involved this time. In the, in the, the pack up process.

[00:53:02] Alison: So we full diddied the last move. And yeah, and then we're all, we're, we're not going back, like we're going to full ditty from now on. I think once you do it, you just keep doing it. Yeah, but what, and what's funny is that when I specifically said, so I asked them, I was like, okay, because what we did.

[00:53:22] Alison: When we moved from Florida to Washington, we were like, we're gonna do this road trip. It's gonna be this huge, like, we took like two and a half weeks. We saw family, we did a bunch of stuff and that was really fun. And then the second time and then when we moved from Washington to here, I was like, do you guys wanna stay for this or do you wanna go to grandma's?

[00:53:41] Alison: And they, they're like, we wanna go to grandma's. And so the girls like a week before we, we were sup we were supposed to load the truck. They went to grandma's house. And so as soon as the girls were gone, it was like, okay, pack them down their room, you know? And I would love to do that this time. Yeah, it was, it was huge.

[00:54:02] Alison: And, and so this time now they're 11 and 12, but they're like, yes, this is what Savannah said. So she, the show. Cause now we're doing every other week. So this is the last show was I talked to both of them about the thing. And what she said to me in this, it really caught me off guard is she said that I really want to go to grandma's house because you and I are so similar.

[00:54:25] Alison: Isn't it amazing how they pair it back? Exactly what you say to them? She's like, we're so similar. And I get really, and I know that you're going to be really stressed and like anxious. And so then I'm going to get more stressed and anxious. And so that's just going to make a lot for daddy to have to deal with.

[00:54:41] Alison: So I think that we should leave so that we don't add, you know, so that I don't, we don't have to be in that. And I, and I felt, I, I, I kind of felt like it was a little bit of a punch to the gut cause I was like, Oh . So like there. Oops, I shouldn't have said that. So I was like, but, but I was like, Man, she knows that I'm going to be very high stress and high strung and like, I'm going to have a very short temper and I don't want to be like that, right?

[00:55:18] Alison: I don't want to be like that, but at the same time, it's like, how do you deal with this and that and this and that and all the things and be able to go through with a perfect Mary Poppins persona? Because that it's just not real, but it's not, it's not. Yeah. But I just was like, Oh, geez. Like, she's like, I know you're going to be a stress ball and I don't want to be around that.

[00:55:41] Alison: And I was like, Oh, okay, fine. I think that's fair. Yeah, I know. I know. Yeah. So anyways, but that has always been like one of my top tips. If you can send your kids. To a way while that process happens, it was, it just, it made it easier. It took a lot of stress for me because again, they're older now, so they could help, but it's like, 

[00:56:09] Ahlee: yeah, but then the first complaint comes out and you're like, I'm bored.

[00:56:16] Ahlee: I don't want it. I'm like, Oh my God, stop it. I've got all these things to do. I can't handle you anymore. That is something that yeah, I really, now that you sit, cause you know, it's like, it's like I feel like deployments and TCS season. Sometimes it's like childbirth where you're just like, you forget.

[00:56:32] Ahlee: How traumatizing it can be sometimes. A hundred percent. I agree. I've said that before, too. And then you have to keep doing it. So, yeah. But yeah, in hindsight, now that I'm looking back, so we had like, the packing part, when we first ever moved, we did, like, the U boxes. So it was, like, a couple different boxes.

[00:56:51] Ahlee: They drop it off on the, you know driveway, and then I'd pack. Oh, and I say, I, because I really did pack us for our first move, because my husband was still at school. Me, too. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, fun. So for that part, like yeah, for the most part, I did it like little by little, but it was when we it was when we went from, so we went to Georgia and we lived in a camper, so we unpacked nothing.

[00:57:15] Ahlee: And then we had the U boxes sent to a storage unit in Virginia, but we still, we lived in an apartment, so we unpacked some stuff. Like, we had one box where we were like, this is coming inside. For that part, packing up with having four littles all around, yeah, I wish that we could have outsourced them somewhere.

[00:57:36] Ahlee: Literally anywhere else. Yeah, yeah. It was very stressful. Like, yeah, trying to pull things back out or knocking something over and now there's a huge mess or whatever. Mm hmm. 

[00:57:48] Alison: I feel like it's one of those things where until you've done it. You're going through a PCS and you send your kids away and you've done that until you've done it, then you don't think you fully realize how much extra stress they add in the I'm bored.

[00:58:03] Alison: I don't want it. Can I have this? Where's this? I'm hungry. Blah, blah, blah. And it's like, Oh, yes. When that gets taken away, it's like, Oh, right. Yeah. Oh, it's, it's so freeing when that happens. So again, highly recommend. Do you, I have a question for you. So

[00:58:20] Ahlee: a PCS question. So do you guys have the, , do you ever go ahead and leave them behind and go scope out where you're moving and then, and then come back?

[00:58:31] Ahlee: When, or , how do you do that? Yeah, so I do that. I'm like, that sounds amazing. I want to do that next time. Cause I've never done that before. 

[00:58:39] Alison: Yes, we have. So when we, when we went from Washington DC down to Florida, Michael, our family's all in the DC area. So our kids were just with them and Michael and I flew down to Florida and to look at houses.

[00:58:54] Alison: So yes, we did do that. When we went from Florida to Washington state, we found a place online. We did the Google maps. It was a newer built home and we were like, okay, we're going to do it. And we rented that baby site unseen. Luckily it worked out well for us. It was great. We had no issues. Yes, that was a big one.

[00:59:16] Alison: And then when we moved from Washington to here, we bought a house here. So it was the same thing. I can't remember who came out to stay with the girls and Michael and I flew here to Denver to pick the finishes for the house, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then we went back. So, and then, and now this we're in a weird situation now.

[00:59:36] Alison: So now going back to Washington, we're not buying, we will be renting. Probably going to be renting out in town because the wait list is like one to three months and And that's, that's short. Like one to three months is not bad because it was like, when we, we tried to get into housing, when we went from Florida to Washington the last time, and we got on the list like two or three months before we left.

[01:00:01] Alison: And we were like number six on the list. And then we were still that number six on the list. 60 days later, and then they called us three months after we reported and we're like, we have a house for you. And I'm like, where do you think we've been living for the last, like, it was literally six months from when we got put on the list to when they called and said they had a house for us.

[01:00:19] Alison: I'm like, what were we supposed to be doing for the last three months living in a hotel? Like, I don't know what the expectation was, but so Michael's talking about, we've got family coming at the end of. at the end of May for the girls are getting out of school and Sophia's got her dance recital. And so grandparents are coming for that.

[01:00:38] Alison: So when they're going to be here, we're potentially going to fly to Washington. Michael and I fly to Washington to look at stuff. I kind of don't want to do that. Honestly, I feel like we've lived there before. We know the area, we know where we want to be. And I feel like, and we know some people there. So if we're like, Hey, do you want to rent this house?

[01:01:00] Alison: We're not quite sure. Will you go look at it for us? We have a couple of people that we can ask to do that for us. So I'm of the mind where I'm like, I don't, we're not going to go, we're going to find something online on Zillow or whatever, and go for it from there. So yeah, that's kind of, but yes, we, the last three times then.

[01:01:18] Alison: So no, we, yes, Michael and I have gone by ourselves to go, to go. Yeah, we 

[01:01:25] Ahlee: haven't done that, but we have talked about, like, wouldn't that be nice to do that? And then part of me is like, cause, cause it is like a really weird trust fall, you know, moving to a different state, especially when it's in a totally different region.

[01:01:35] Ahlee: And like, yeah, I feel like part of me thinks that it would make, at the very least, me feel better. But but yeah, I just, I don't know how feasible that is, you know? Yeah. It's hard. 

[01:01:47] Alison: It happens to be there. And, and we were, so in Florida, it was just us. That was cut. That was a hard tour. The it was rough.

[01:01:56] Alison: That was not a good time in our marriage. That was like, it was a rough, that was a rough duty station for us. But again, I feel like we've come so far with technology and what stuff looks like. And so we knew this neighborhood that it had just been built like two or three years ago. So the house can't be in that bad condition.

[01:02:13] Alison: Like these are the pictures. It looks beautiful, but like, it can't be, you know, I mean, it could be right. Like, but exactly that bad. Cause it's a newer house, right? Like it can't be that bad. So that was kind of like, and it worked out, it was fine. And we rented it again, sight unseen. And we rolled up to the house and I was like, this is exactly, it looked exactly like what the pictures showed.

[01:02:32] Alison: And I was like, okay, this is great. And we were there for three years and it was fine. So we'll see what happens. We're still in the, we're, we have a tentative trip plan for the end of May. So, but I. I don't know. I don't know if I want to spend the money. Honestly. I'm like, yeah, that's it. And they give you leave for it.

[01:02:51] Alison: Right. Like you, you'll get like free time off, but I'm still buying my plane ticket, renting a car hotel. Someone's got to come out here to take care of our kids. The dogs, right. You know what I'm saying? Like logistically it's like, is that worth it? I don't know. I don't think it is honestly. Like I'm like, I don't think it is.

[01:03:11] Alison: I don't think that's worth it. Let's just. Let's just go, you know, but the hard part of that is that I'm a house snob. I know this about myself. So I, because Michael has gone, like, this was before we had kids. He went to San Diego. I was working and he's like, okay, I'm going to go look at these houses.

[01:03:30] Alison: And so he was like, okay, this is, so we rented this house that he saw and we pull up to the house and I cried. I was like, no, like there were little, there were like bullet holes in the drywall in the garage. I can smell weed as we get out of the car. And I'm like, what the heck is this? So he is not allowed to pick what in the ever it

[01:04:01] Alison: was not. And then he left me. So he got on deployment. Like he left like three days after we got there. So like all of our stuff's getting delivered and I'm like, you're leaving me here. So, oh God, that was, that was, so we've, we've definitely, you know, run the gamut of, that was a nightmare. But anyways. Yeah.

[01:04:21] Alison: So Yeah, it's, it is, it's, yeah. Super fun. Okay, so then let's kind of like wrap up here. I think we've had a really good conversation. There's been a lot of really good information in here. So we talked about the Hunt Gather parent, and then that other Scandinavian book. I didn't write it down. What was that?

[01:04:40] Alison: There's no, do you remember what that was? Bad weather? Yep. There's no such as bad weather. 

[01:04:44] Ahlee: Okay, 

[01:04:44] Alison: so I'll make sure that I link those in the show notes. You should write 

[01:04:49] Ahlee: down parenting with love and logic also, that's another one. That was good. Very good. Parenting with love and logic. 

[01:04:59] Alison: Are there any other did you ever read The Awakened Parent?

[01:05:02] Alison: No. By Shivali It's like, it's TSA. Sazberry, I think is how you say it. That was really interesting. It's long. It's a really long book. But what I loved about it It's called The Awakened Parent. What I loved about it Was that she is, she's in clinical practice. Right. And so she was giving you all of these stories.

[01:05:25] Alison: I had this parent come in and this is what was happening. 

[01:05:28] Ahlee: Yeah. 

[01:05:29] Alison: But if you look at it, this, and it's so, cause it's almost like you're sitting on the outside. Cause it, cause when you're in a situation. You're like tunnel vision. This is what's happening. And a lot of times if you can look at it or have that outside perspective, you're like, Oh, like you were with the play and with the, and you're like, Oh yeah, I can see that.

[01:05:49] Alison: Yeah. You can see clearly now. Exactly. And I, so I felt like that because she gave so many examples of, I had a parent come in and this was the issue that they were having. And so, and then they talk through the whole thing and you can, you're basically like following the counseling session, which I find really helpful because then it's like real world examples.

[01:06:07] Alison: This is what was happening with the kid and then this is what the parent was doing and it wasn't working. So this is what she suggested and it worked, you know. Yeah. Shocker. Yeah, right. Oh, man, imagine that. Okay, I didn't finish writing that. Parenting with love and Parenting with love and logic. Logic.

[01:06:23] Alison: Okay. Are there. So I know that you really like to read. Are there any podcasts or anything that you'd like to listen to around parenting or doc? 

[01:06:31] Ahlee: Yes. Good inside by Dr. Becky. Do you know who, do you know who Dr. Becky is? No, no, 

[01:06:36] Alison: no. 

[01:06:37] Ahlee: Instagram too. I think she's fantastic. Just the way that she Yeah, I don't, her whole, every, every, she, she's a psychologist, psychologist but her whole entire premise, anything that she ever talks about, it all roots back down to that you're good inside, like, your kid is good inside, you are good inside, things happen, but in, in the end, like, they're good inside, you know, so it's just like behaviors that you're targeting and stuff, but yeah, that's a fantastic podcast, yeah, okay, it's called Good Inside, Okay.

[01:07:09] Ahlee: Or Dr. Becky Goodenside, yeah. That was one of them and then I, I have heard a lot of good things. I, I, I'm telling you this because I hear it frequently, I have not listened to it but Risen Motherhood is another one that a lot of people have recommended to me, so. 

[01:07:28] Alison: Motherhood. I thought you were gonna say Mother Wood.

[01:07:31] Alison: Nope. Motherhood. Oh, that, that we, that would be another show. Yeah. raising Good Humans is one that I have recently Yes. Found and started. That's good to Good. Yeah. And I that 

[01:07:45] Ahlee: And it's a podcast. 

[01:07:46] Alison: Yeah. She's got a podcast. Okay. 

[01:07:47] Ahlee: Yeah. That's 

[01:07:48] Alison: amazing. Good humans. Yep. So she, so the book, cause I'm reading a book by her right now.

[01:07:54] Alison: It's the five principles of parenting which we're going to talk about on the next show. And it's interesting what I love about her is and I'm not gonna talk about it too much. Cause it's going to be another episode is that I feel like there's so much pressure to. If you do this, you're going to mess up your kid.

[01:08:14] Alison: If you say this, you're going to mess up your kid. If you parent like this, then your kid's going to turn into a crazy person or whatever. And it's like, Oh my God, I've messed up my child. Cause I didn't, I didn't, you know, hold them to my skin to skin for the first year of their life. You know what I'm saying?

[01:08:29] Alison: Like, and so we have all these, and so she's like, you know, Let it go. Cancel the noise. Right. Cancel. Yeah. And just be like, you're, you're, you're a, you're a person. Right. And we're all people and your kid is different than this person's kid. And there's not one hard and fast rule for anything. 

[01:08:45] Ahlee: Right. That's like, that's like a boundary I've set for myself on social media.

[01:08:49] Ahlee: Actually, I literally follow two different Parenting accounts and none of the rest because like and I don't follow influencers who are heavy talking about parenting I just don't because too much noise too much noise and it takes away I think that it takes away from one Psychosystems psychological advice you can get from someone who is literally Either a book or a legitimate parenting coach or something someone who's trained But also it takes away from your life Your instinct, we have instincts as parents, yes we do, maybe they don't come right away, but they're there, and you can't, you can't knock your own gut feelings, and you know your kid best, and a lot of people kind of take that away sometimes, not, maybe not intentionally, but yeah.

[01:09:31] Alison: Agreed, agreed. And then there's a lot, and what she has said is that there's a lot of people in that space that are not talking about current research that's done. They're referencing, you know, and it's been debunked that that's, you know, like the attachment theory, like that's, that's. That's not, that's been proven that that's not effective for like, Oh, if you didn't do this, then your kid's going to be messed up.

[01:09:57] Alison: And like, I just, so I think the hard and fast rule for that stuff is protect your peace. And that is if you are taking in content and you're like, I've got to change, I've got to do. And if, and it causes anxiety of any kind. Yeah. Don't listen to that. Cause it's like, that's yeah. So I love that. That is good enough.

[01:10:16] Ahlee: I mean, best 

[01:10:19] Alison: is your best. So, and I think that, and I, and I feel like there's kind of like a fine line of gaining knowledge, right? Like how can I be a better parent? How can I raise good humans? Right. But at the same time Trust your instincts and you know your kids better than anybody else knows. And so you've got to do what's going to work for you and for your family, regardless of if this person is saying that this is the way you need to do it.

[01:10:45] Alison: Otherwise your kid's going to be messed up. Right. You know, I mean, it's, yeah, yeah, for sure. Okay. All right. Well, Ashley, I. Always love talking to you. I, I'm going to come up with another topic for you to come on and talk about later too. Cause I'll do it. I'm down anytime I need it. Yeah. So I, I appreciate you being here.

[01:11:04] Alison: I appreciate your honesty. And again, I think that these are conversations I, and we had a really personal conversation beforehand about just the stresses of being. A military anything at this point, because we're, yeah, we can put your face mask on your face mask. Yeah. Yeah. So and again, I think it's just.

[01:11:25] Alison: the conversation and that, you know, it, this is hard. It is hard. Military life is hard. Military marriages are hard. Parenting military kids is hard. And it's not that other people don't have hards as well. Right? Like, you know, just because if you're not in the military, you still have marriage is still hard.

[01:11:41] Alison: Parenting is still right. We just get an extra. dumping on top of that. And even more so depending on the season that you're in, like a deployment, that's a completely, not only are you a military family, but you're in a really unique, even more of a unique situation. And it's just layer upon layer. And sometimes it just is suffocating.

[01:11:58] Alison: And and I think that we need to be more honest with each other and not be more honest, but just share, like, it's hard. It's freaking hard. This sucks. This is what I'm trying to sit in it. But I still think, but sometimes you do, sometimes you just want to be like, I just want to be miserable right now.

[01:12:14] Alison: And that's all you can do that. Yes. Like there's a, 

[01:12:17] Ahlee: there's a difference between event sesh and valid validation, you know, like literally hard, you know, and I hope that I hope that somebody listens to this podcast and takes away more than one thing, you know, that will help them. But I think that. It not for if anything that they don't feel alone like yeah No, it is hard and guess what?

[01:12:39] Ahlee: It's probably gonna be hard even if you try all these things and they all work Well, it's still going to be hard, but you're gonna get through it and there really is there's a whole story Thank you for, thank you for creating a platform where people can come and talk about this stuff or listen in, you know, because it can be such a lonely road and it doesn't have to be that way.

[01:12:58] Alison: Yes, a hundred percent. Because again, this like, so we're like two to three months, depending on where we go out from our, our platform. TCS right now. And this is the season where I initially started the podcast for him. It was the move from Washington to Colorado and Michael had to stay because his orders got messed up.

[01:13:17] Alison: And so we were apart for three months where he's in Washington and we're here. I know not a soul. And I'm like, well, I don't know the city, the way my way around. There's no family. I don't know anybody. And it was like, this is awful. You know what I mean? So I think that's where this came from. And I'm getting all of these feelings again of like.

[01:13:37] Alison: Oh my gosh, this is, it's so hard and there's, I don't, it's the amount of people that understand what this is like is very small because, because honestly our civilian counterparts is understanding and loving and well meaning as they are. They don't, they don't get it. They don't from their scope. They do the best 

[01:13:58] Ahlee: they can.

[01:13:59] Ahlee: It's just a hundred percent. It's different and we really do need each other. Like even just to hear someone say it's going to be okay. Like I went through that too. It's going to be okay. No, you're not crazy. It is crazy. 

[01:14:12] Alison: Yeah. 

[01:14:13] Ahlee: A hundred percent. 

[01:14:14] Alison: And then I, and I think normalizing the I really appreciate you saying, am I messing up my kids is what I'm doing right now is am I messing up my kids?

[01:14:24] Alison: Because I have asked that question so many times are moving over and over and over again. Am I scarring my kids for life? Am I, you know, they, they don't have these strong attachments to friends that they've had for the last six years because we're moving, you know what I'm saying? Like, am I, you know, Oh, it's so hard.

[01:14:41] Alison: That's a lot of pressure to put on ourselves as parents. But I think again, that's real. Like it is, it is real. Yeah. That's the raw and the real of it for sure. Okay. All right. Well, Ashley, I I love having you on the show. and I appreciate you being here and until next time.