The best advice I ever received as a new military spouse

[00:00:00] Alison: Hello, hello and welcome back to the show today. I thought it would be, I was kind of digging through some of the topics that. I had brainstormed when I initially decided that I was gonna do a podcast for military spouses and way, way, way, way down the list was was one that I called the best advice that I ever received as a mill spouse.

[00:00:28] Alison: And so I kind of, what I've done is I, I've kind of broken it down, so I'm gonna tell you that, and then I also went through, Best advice to make it through deployments. Best advice for marriage. Best advice for a brand new mill spouse. So I'm gonna share all that stuff with you. 

[00:00:44] Alison: The best advice that I ever received as a male spouse was my very first tour. I, I think we've talked my very first tour, our very first tour. I wasn't actually on the ship. But we were at the beginning of Michael's career we, you know, I've talked about this before, he was attached to surface ships.

[00:01:05] Alison: He was always on small boys. And the very first boat that we ever went to was hands down the best crew and ward room that we've ever been a part of. And I made friends with another new male spouse. Her name was Melanie. And we became really good friends while the ship deployed and this came from her.

[00:01:28] Alison: And the advice was this, it was to act like a tourist. And I was like, what? And she's like, yeah, whenever we go to a new place, we pretend like we're tourists and we go and see all the things that, you know there is to do and see if you're gonna go on vacation somewhere. And I was like, it just blew my mind.

[00:01:48] Alison: I was like, oh my gosh. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense, right? That that's a, that's a really good idea. And so from that point on, that's something that I have been very conscientious of doing, is looking for, What can we do in the duty station that we're at? And then I, I've talked about this before too. One of our family's big coping mechanisms when we're PCSing is to make a duty station bucket list.

[00:02:18] Alison: And that's right along those lines, right, of being a tourist. And so I like to, and it's not necessarily just the stuff that's right around. In the town that you're in, right? It can be you can, I like to look like two to three hours away. Is there other stuff that, that I might wanna do?

[00:02:36] Alison: Might wanna see and then Google a map of the US right? And look at where you're gonna be going and look, just kind of zoom out just a little bit. Like find your location, zoom out a little bit and see what might be close by. So , for example, here in Colorado where we are currently, Yellowstone National Park is only eight hours away.

[00:02:56] Alison: That's totally doable for a drive, right? There's a lot of stuff that that's drivable, so kind of zoom out a little bit too, and just really try to immerse yourself in the area that you are and try and get as much out of where you are. At that particular time. And that is like a tenfold thing because it, it is something that can help you as you are transitioning from leaving a duty station and going to a new one.

[00:03:26] Alison: It can give you that, okay, we have something to look forward to. You can engage your kids in that way as well. Okay, well, we can do this and we can do this, and I know that this is gonna be hard, but we have these things to look forward to. And then when you get here or you get to your new location, You kind of, you have a little bit of a plan, so it's not like, okay, here we are.

[00:03:47] Alison: And I don't know anybody, I don't know my way around yet, but you can. But hey, I know we, we wanted to do this, this, this, this, this, this, this. Let's pick something off the list and let's go. And it kind of helps like jumpstart you really settling into that new area. And then again, there's, there's a lot of parts of the military lifestyle that are incredibly challenging, but.

[00:04:11] Alison: I think one of the big benefits of the military lifestyle is that you get the opportunity to experience a lot of different places if you move around a lot. We've, we've moved around a lot, so we've, you know, we've lived in lots of different states and different climates and things like that. And so, and, and this was another thing too that you know, I, I don't know how, how you guys are, but for us, when, when we've, we've been married for 21 years now, but when we first got married, it was like, Where, where do we wanna end up?

[00:04:42] Alison: You know, what, what's, what's the end game here? Like, where, where do we wanna be? And we were really sure. And so what we've been able to do as we've lived in different duty stations is like, okay, well, Florida's not, it don't like it there, so that's not gonna be a place for us. Loved California, loved San Diego.

[00:05:03] Alison: And Monterey, but it's just so expensive there. So I don't know that that's a great choice financially in retirement. Loved Washington state, but it's really far from our family, you know what I'm saying? Like, it's just, I think you, you get the opportunity to like test drive a bunch of different locations, which is kind of cool.

[00:05:22] Alison: And not a lot of people have the opportunity to do that. So the best advice that I ever got, act like a tourist wherever you are. Okay. The best advice that I have to make it through a deployment is stay busy. So when we're a little bit removed from that now, because again, we've been married for 21 years, he's been active duty the entire time that we've been married.

[00:05:47] Alison: The first half of his career were, we were on surface ships and he was deploying frequently, but this last half of his career we have, we transitioned to engineering and so we don't, he's not deploying anymore. He just travels a ridiculous amount. So I'm a little bit removed from the deployment part of it.

[00:06:09] Alison: And then when he was deploying, it was just him and I. We didn't have our, we didn't have our daughters at the time, so as a single person, And going through deployment if you not as a single person, 'cause you're, you're with your significant other, what I meant is no kids. If you have no kids, the best thing that you can do is have a job, is get a job.

[00:06:36] Alison: Because then you will meet people at your job. You have opportunities, you have something every day that's getting you out. Hopefully it's full-time if you're able to do that overtime, if it's available. , I enjoyed my job at the time, so I, that was huge for me in my mental health.

[00:06:54] Alison: And it's still, there's still parts of it that suck and it's still really hard. But having a job and working full-time, and then again, taking as much overtime as I could really, really, really helped a lot. So I think the, just staying as busy as you possibly can. So again, if you're single or if you don't have kids having a job is huge.

[00:07:21] Alison: And then join your like ship or platoon or unit or whatever the, whatever it is, the whatever events that they have in the workups and leading up to stuff, go to as much of that stuff as you can because hopefully you will find another. Another significant other in those events that you jive with.

[00:07:47] Alison: Hopefully if you are in a situation where it's a little bit of a like catty toxic kind of command environment, which sometimes you will find that, find a new find, find something else. You know, there's there's a lot of, especially if you're. I guess it kind of depends on, on where you're at, but like when we were in San Diego, there's a ton of ships outta San Diego, right?

[00:08:20] Alison: So there's a lot of other groups, like if your particular command is not, you're just not feeling it, you don't feel comfortable. Find somebody else, right? There's, there's a lot of other groups. There's a lot. And again, you know, Facebook, there's tons of Facebook groups that you can find. You can look at the fleet and Family Services.

[00:08:43] Alison: I don't know what it's called in other branches of service, but for, you know, different kind of groups and things like that. And just keep trying right until you find until you find someone that does you, I feel like every ship that we were on there was always at least. Like one or two other significant others that I kind of jived with.

[00:09:04] Alison: So even if the whole command didn't feel great, there were still one or two people that I was like, I could be friends with her, you know, and then, and then make an effort to get together, like get together for lunch, or, Hey, do you want to go? Whatever. Maybe you both like hiking or you're. Really, you, you wanna are making a goal for yourself to you know, to get into shape or to adopt some kind of a, a workout or health goal while they're gone.

[00:09:35] Alison: Maybe you guys can be buddies in that way as well. So just really try to find somebody in the lead up that is part of your command that you jive with. And again, if you don't go for, go, go outside that. So if. You don't work and you have kids, like you have small kids and you are going through deployments.

[00:09:59] Alison: I personally haven't gone through that, so I can't. Speak to what worked for me. But I would consider if you have the opportunity, you know, your significant other's gonna be gone for a, a, you know, a significant period of time and your family might not be close to you. Do you have the ability to go home?

[00:10:20] Alison: Maybe you don't want to. That's a legit thing, and then don't do it. Right? But if your family is supportive and if you feel like it's a, it's an environment that you feel good in, maybe consider going home for an extended period of time for like three or four weeks or a month or two. I, I've talked to other military spouses who.

[00:10:47] Alison: Completely move home to their families while their significant other is deployed. So that's an option too. And here's what, here's what I wanna say. And we're gonna touch on this again in, in, in just a second, but is. I see all the time in military spouse groups and things like that. This is our situation.

[00:11:11] Alison: What should we do? You know, my my husband is gonna get stationed in Korea for a year. It's unaccompanied. I don't know what to do. Should we, should I stay here? Should I go what? Whatever. Or my. My significant other just got orders to this duty station that I don't like. And we have kids that are in school and they've got friends and they're happy and we own a home here and I don't wanna go, should.

[00:11:43] Alison: What, what is that gonna look like? How is, how is that gonna be if he's four stationed four hours away from us, or he's stationed three states away from us and, and we stay here, , what does that look like? And inevitably, You're gonna hear people say it's the best decision I ever, that we ever made as a family.

[00:12:02] Alison: At we, it was hard, but the kids at least had stability. We had our home and it was great. And then you're gonna have someone come right behind them and say, it was the worst decision that we ever made. It totally screwed up our kids. And you know what I'm saying? Like it, it's other people's opinions.

[00:12:22] Alison: Who freaking cares about other people's opinions. It's you. It's you. It's your family, it's your relationship with your significant other, and you are gonna be the best one to make that decision. And I, I think we're probably just looking for validation. Like, this is what I wanna do. Is that okay? Have other people done it?

[00:12:44] Alison: And is that okay? And I can understand that like, you know, has someone else been through this? What was it like? But at the end of the day, their experience is not gonna be your experience because their marriage is not your marriage. Their kids are not your kids. Their, you know, economic situation is not your economic situations.

[00:13:03] Alison: You know what I mean? Like there's, there's so much variability in that you really have to. Have an honest conversation with your significant other go off of experience. So for our family when Michael's deployed, it was hard, but it was okay. When he's home and he goes away for a significant amount of time to school.

[00:13:28] Alison: So he went to a school for, it was like six months up in Rhode Island, and I stayed in Florida because I had a, I had my career, so I was like, I'm just gonna sit here. It was horrible though. It was so bad. We just, we fought all the time. Our communication was terrible. It was, it was not good at all. So we have made the decision as a family that if he's going to get sent anywhere for longer than like six to eight weeks, we're all going because our relationship doesn't work, is very, very challenging.

[00:14:09] Alison: If he's in the continental United States, but we're separated for like a significant period of time, like three to six months. Right. So that's a decision that we've made as a family. Luckily we haven't been put back in this situation yet where we had to be separated for that long. We were separated for quite a while when we moved here, but because he was just stashed, it was just, it was so stupid.

[00:14:32] Alison: It was. One of those, like how difficult of a situation can the military make it? Like how much of a cluster can, can it be? Yeah, let's do that. Let's make it as ridiculous and silly and pain in the butt as possible. That's, that's what happened. So we were separated for, it was almost three months, but because he was just stashed, we were able to travel.

[00:14:54] Alison: So he was able to come back here and see us and then burn through all of his leave so that he didn't have to stay gone. Anyways, I digress. So, It's an extremely personal decision and it's something that you have to base off of your past experience and what you know about each other. Right? Okay, so there's that one.

[00:15:14] Alison: Alright. My best advice for a new male spouse is relax and be yourself. And when I was thinking about that, I, I was thinking back to again, 21 years we've been an active duty family and thinking back to all of the command functions that we would go to when he was attached to ships and the Christmas parties and the things like that.

[00:15:43] Alison: And I would be absolutely petrified going into these events like, Holding onto his arm for dear life. Don't leave me. I don't know anybody. I'm so uncomfortable. Oh my gosh, this is so awkward. Ah, what am I gonna do? If I were put in a situation and, and then again, so half half of his career was on ships, and that was our experience this last half.

[00:16:10] Alison: We aren't attached to units anymore. We're not usually attached to a base, so we aren't having those functions nearly as much as we did in the first part of his career, but, One of the beauties of getting older and having the experience is you let a lot of that crap go of the expectations and what are people gonna think and I have to behave in a certain way, and things like that.

[00:16:42] Alison: And I feel like we put a lot of pressure on ourselves as new military spouses to hold yourself to some ideal, some standard some. Whatever. And honestly, I really don't think that it matters. I've seen, and, and again, I think that some of it might be we're a Navy family. I think our experience might be a little bit different than some of the other branches of service, but like, you know don't go to the commissary in, you know, looking like a scrub or wearing your pajamas because it's gonna look bad on your husband or whatever.

[00:17:21] Alison: And I'm like, you know what? I have been shopping at the commissary for 21 years, and I think I can count on one hand the amount of times I have seen someone that I know. So the likelihood that you're gonna run into someone and they're gonna what you're, you're having a bad day, you're just running out to get what, you know what I mean?

[00:17:43] Alison: Like who cares, , who caress what someone else might think of your outfit, really? What I would say is that as a military spouse and when you are on base and when you are attending command functions, you are a reflection of your spouse. So, you know, you don't wanna go in and get trashed and start dancing on tables at a command function.

[00:18:14] Alison: That would not be good. But other than that, like just. Be yourself. Be a nice person, be open, be, you know, I, I like to, this is how I mentally prepare for that stuff now. I love to people watch. I am like a big, and I, I think this has come from my years as an animal trainer and just watching behavior. I love to watch people and I like to watch people interacting and I like to.

[00:18:45] Alison: Read people's body language and like, I'm really, I'm actually pretty good at it. I pick up on a lot of stuff that other people don't see. And and it's just fascinating to me. So if we were to go to a function like that, now I am so happy to sit back and just take it all in. Right. Just take it all in.

[00:19:06] Alison: But just, I, I think you just need to give yourself a break and not be so stressed about messing something up or whatever, because. Really, it's not that big of a deal. Okay. All right. So there's that. And then just keep in mind that you are the people that you surround yourself with. So take a look at who you're hanging out with and are you hanging out with people that are Not interested in bettering themselves that are stepping out on their significant other that are, you know what I mean?

[00:19:49] Alison: Like what are, what are they, what are the people that you surround yourself with doing? How are they conducting themselves in their lives? Is that something that you strive for? Is that something that you want for yourself? And if it's not, Maybe look for a new circle of people. If you're surrounded by that negativity and cattiness and things like that, that's, that's not good for you.

[00:20:12] Alison: You need to find a new circle. So just, you know, every once in a while, take a step back and evaluate your circle. And you might have no circle. I have no circle here. My circle is my immediate family and sometimes we're a hot mess and I'm like, man, we're in big trouble. If this is. You are the sum of like the five people you spend the most time with.

[00:20:36] Alison: Well, two out of those five people are a 10 and 11 year old, so, you know, I don't know. It is what it is. But so that's it. So just, you know, take a look at your circle and remember that you are the people that you surround yourself with and choose wisely. And then to finish it up, I saw this really good quote and it didn't have a person, so I can't give credit.

[00:21:00] Alison: I can't give credit to anybody 'cause it didn't have who actually said it, but here it is. So it says in the gym, the weight doesn't get easier to lift. You get stronger in life, events don't get easier to handle. You become better equipped to handle them. Keep growing and I think especially that last one, events don't get easier to handle.

[00:21:26] Alison: You just become better equipped to handle them. And I feel like that is exactly how I feel about my early mill spouse days to now I'm a veteran mill spouse. That is probably the biggest change is that I am now emotionally and mentally. Better equipped to handle situations like that than I was when I was 22, 23 years old.

[00:21:55] Alison: Because you're a kid, you're still growing, you're still learning, you're still figuring everything out. So just keep growing. All right. I love you guys. I'll talk to you soon. Bye.